"The iPacket will revolutionize the industry," Said Heinz Packet Technology Supervisor Tom Harriman. "For years customers have been clamoring for our packets to just do more. Now they can not only squeeze their kethcup, they can also dip their chicken nuggets and be able to keep up with their friends on Facebook, all with one one delicious packet."
The iPacket will include a USB 2.0 port, an internal Wireless N card, a .25 inch speaker, a 1.25 inch Kindle reader screen and several inputs for users to utilize various hand-held accessories. The iPacket will also be blue-tooth enabled, and will see wide distribution exclusively through McDonald's restaurants.The lack of competitive carriers, such as Burger King, Wendy's and Verizon, didn't hurt the wave of unbridled enthusiasm for the product or the company's stock. Shares of Heinz traded at a brisk pace after this morning's announcement, closing at a 12 month high of $47.38 per share, up nearly 10%. On a day where the Dow Jones Industrial average traded sluggishly, the announcement was well timed to help both the food and technology sectors.
News on the street was also received with open arms.
"Kick ass, man," Teddy Baker, a Long Island teenager said while he used one of the first of the new iPackets to roll out during the company's testing phase in selected school cafeterias around the country. "This fucking thing rules the day. I mean, I want fries with that, I want ketchup with those fries, and now I can finally download the new Phoenix song directly to my ketchup packet."
Others were not so enthusiastic. Rebecca Gold of San Bernadino California, who considers herself a "casual user" of condiment packets, questioned whether downloading and surfing the web would catch on with such a device. "I mean, what the hell," the 32 year old mother of three continued, "I'm supposed to download an episode of Lost to this? Then what? It doesn't even have a God-damned keyboard." Gold is not alone, as many question the validity of downloading media to a disposable device.
Bob Willard, a freelance financial analyst, said he likes the iPacket, but would wait to jump on board, citing the device's lack of modern video hardware. "I mean, RCA inputs? What the fuck for? So I can plug my old Atari Jaguar into it? Forget about it. I'll wait for the HDMI input and a new firmware version in it's next generation model. USB 3.0 would also be nice."
Willard was pointing to one of the biggest flaws those in the food/internet business see as a potential problem. Upon launch, one executive had a problem reading "A Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley on his iPacket. The executive had downloaded the book, but it was unable to open for several minutes. Some in the room chuckled while others threw old, used ketchup packets on the stage, a subtle protest to the Ketchup giant's venture into uncharted territory.
Still, industry experts say it could be stiff competition to Apple's recent launch of the iPad.
Apple executives are rumored to be nervously watching the numbers to see how sales match up. Steve Jobs today released a statement saying "Really? How can I take this seriously. I mean, if Apple were to start selling mustard packets with iPhone apps, that might be one thing," adding, "Jesus-fucking-Christ."
For now, users can download content by logging into separate websites, but that may change soon. The announcement fuels speculation that Heinz will finally release the long anticipated Ketch-APP store, where consumers can simply download music, movies and books on one website while simultaneously enjoying the world's best selling ketchup.
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Reported By: Adam McCune & Nicholas Lavallee
For more information visit: www.adammccune.com and www.nicholaslavallee.com
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